Wow, that’s a huge commitment. Do you really mean “never, ever again”? Think about it; that could be days, weeks, months, years, or even decades, depending on how long you live. It could be a very long time! Imagine how hard it would be to hang onto that much negative emotion forever.
Whether you realize it or not, perhaps what you really mean is, “It was clear in my mind what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t able to explain it in such a way that you could either understand or accept. And now I’m just frustrated with the whole process.”
The most essential element in our human-to-human relationships – not to mention, the most unpredictable – is our ability to communicate face-to-face (or voice-to-voice) with each other. Whether it’s verbal or non-verbal, this form of communication is the most powerful means we have available to us, in order to share our feelings, thoughts, opinions, concerns, passions or whatever else we want to communicate.
Ok, sure, there are things like flowers, emails, cards, etc. that we can also use to convey a sentiment or a message; and, no doubt about it, we can make those things speak loudly. However, it’s when we are face-to-face that we have the opportunity to take our communication to the highest level. It’s the communication after you send those flowers, or that email, or you deliver that presentation; that’s when the real communication starts.
When that higher level of communication breaks down, that’s where the most damage can potentially be done. It’s like a cancer. If left undiagnosed and untreated, it may eventually cause something or someone to die (metaphorically speaking). That’s why every good communicator knows that it is absolutely imperative to identify the cause of the breakdown, understand it, and then act decisively and positively to ensure that the breakdown is mended before it ultimately destroys the relationship.
There are thousands upon thousands of causes as to why communication breaks down. Many of those causes will fall into one or more of the following:
- Taking things personally – being subjective, rather than objective
Inflexibility – holding firm to strong views or opinions and being closed off to other possibilities - Entering into communication whilst in a heightened emotional state (be it positive or negative) – usually a nagging distraction to either party
- Talking over the other person, or trying to monopolise the discussion – it turns the communication into a competition
- Unclear, vague or disjointed articulation of what is being said – may cause perceptions of a lack of openness, trust and/or honesty in the communication
- Short, sharp or incomplete answers to questions – may cause the same thoughts as the previous point
- The pace of the communication moves too fast or too slow for one or both parties – rushed or dragging on; either way, it can evoke feelings of frustration
- Having a lack of knowledge and not wanting the other person to be aware of that lack – fear of being exposed or of being wrong; or feeling inadequate and ‘out of your league’
- Allowing our regard for the other person (or people) to cloud our ability to listen to what’s being said – this causes a lack of focus and even a conflict of voices in your head
Some of these may apply to you, or there may be other completely different causes for your communication breakdowns. Incidentally, for most people, there will usually be one or two primary root-causes. Whatever the case, it is vital (for your relationships and, more importantly, for your own happiness) that you identify those causes and begin to find solutions.
Before we talk about how to resolve communication breakdowns, let’s all be clear on this one thing: There is no single solution. There’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all communication fixer-upper. And anyone who tells you otherwise, is just trying to sell you something that they can’t sell to someone else. (That’s a communication you might want to break.)
Everyone experiences communication breakdowns; it’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Given that we can’t avoid them entirely; our next best option is to improve our communications skills, so as to be fully prepared. Over the course of time (and maturity) we become more adept at handling those breakdowns effectively; and we also become more perceptive as to when a potential breakdown is imminent, subsequently averting the danger. Having said that, there are the rare occasions, when the best course of action is to let the communication break down. But that’s a whole other article.
Ok, let’s move on to the task of how we can rescue and heal a communication breakdown.
- Just for a moment, forget about what the other party has done or said and ask yourself this question, “How have I contributed to this breakdown?” It’s simple and fair mathematics: you and the other person are both 50% of the problem and 50% of the solution. It’s easy to point the finger, but if you each stand firm with the ‘Safety’ off and the firing hammer cocked on your pointed-fingers, the breakdown remains static.
- Next, try to understand why the other party has done or said whatever it is they’ve done or said. Step aside from how you feel about it and go into an objective, researching frame of mind. Another question to ask: “What is it that’s behind what he said?” or, “What’s going on in the background to make her react that way?” As hard as it may be, what you are trying to do is think like the other person.
- Once you’ve gotten some clarity around those first two tips, you can now begin to prepare the pathway to a solution. (This is where your capacity for humility is tested)
Take complete ownership of your 50% contribution to the breakdown - Embrace absolute acceptance of the fact that you are not responsible for the other person’s 50% contribution
- In your heart, whether you feel you want to or not, forgive the other person for their 50%
- Apologise for your 50%... unconditionally! If the other person makes no apology, that is for them to deal with, not you
- Ask for understanding as to why they spoke or behaved the way they did. You might like to frame your question this way: “Person, I genuinely want to work with you to resolve our communication breakdown. Can you please help me to understand your point of view?”
- Next… LISTEN! You don’t have to agree with their view; you are simply seeking to understand them.
- Once you’ve listened to their explanation, ask a solution-focused question; perhaps something like: “Thanks for helping me understand. Ok, what are your thoughts on how we can get our communication (and our relationship) back on track?”
- Once again, LISTEN!
By the way, it’s not a case of you having to just suck-it-up and accept their solution as the only way to go. Remember, you’re 50% of the solution as well.
There will be times when the other person is not willing to seek resolution to a breakdown in communication. That’s their prerogative. You can only do your part.
Oftentimes, the reason why these breakdowns occur is because one person is not reading or matching the other person’s communication style. We can miss the subtle indicators for their preferred Pace and Relationship and find ourselves feeling completely mismatched in the dialogue. Well, it doesn’t have to be that way.
That's where FACE comes in.
Whilst not a 100% cure, FACE can dramatically increase the odds of you matching style early and often. FACE also makes the whole journey something to enjoy, not endure. In future posts, we’ll dig a whole lot deeper into the subject of communication and how FACE works for you. In the meantime, having your own copy of ‘FACE The Global Language’ would get you off to a very good start.
The final word: Communication is vital to every part of our lives, especially when it involves sharing our time with other people. It’s a lifelong learning; one that never ends (for as long as we are alive) and one that should be enjoyed!
Let’s FACE it; working together, we achieve more!
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