HOW TO READ COMMUNICATION STYLES

“That moment when you finally click with that hard-to-work-out person… priceless!”

It may be customers or clients. It may be colleagues, superiors or subordinates. It may be friends, distant family or that special someone you would love to be loved by. No matter who it may be, being able to roughly ascertain their communication style early in the relationship will automatically raise your state of inner-confidence and comfort. You will relax, you’ll focus, you’ll listen – I mean, really listen – and then the quality of your conversations will rise in unison with your confidence.

Cracking the code of how to read communication styles will open the door to Betterland. That's the place where you…
better understand what people want and why;
better understand how people prefer to receive information;
better understand their motivations;
better understand how to match their communication style (and to do so quickly);
ask better questions, in better ways, with better timing;
give better answers; and
get better results.

So, do you want to go to Betterland? Yes? Ok, follow me.

First things first... You really should begin by going to the FACE website and completing the 'What's Your FACE' questionnaire to find out what your communiation style is. That way you will better appreciate the differences.

Ascertaining the communication styles of others can be achieved by asking just 2 questions:

1. A question that refers to the ‘Pace’ element of their communication style; and
2. A question that refers to the ‘Relationship’ element of their communication style.

In more simple terms, you need to ask a details-related question, and then a feelings-related question. Of course, both questions need to have some relevance to the other person and/or their circumstances. But, before you even bother trying this on another person, you must first apply them to yourself. What’s your communication style? What are the Relationship and Pace elements of your communication style?Let’s start with your Pace. Where would you say you are on the scale below? Are you an Observer or a Driver? Are you more Cautious or Impulsive? Are you Passive or Aggressive? Are you a Follower or a Leader? Do you tend to speak Fast or Slow?






Next, consider your Relationship element. Where do you think you are on this scale? Are you Closed or Open? Are you a Private or a Public person? Would you describe yourself as Introverted or Extroverted? In conversation, do you tend to be more Reserved or Expressive? Would others consider you to be Quiet or Loud?





There’s no right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse place to be on either of those scales. You are who you are. And once you have clarity and acceptance about the Pace and Relationship of your communication style, you are then empowered to seek and understand how others communicate.

Now, just before we go into exploring the 2 questions to ask, in order to determine the communication style of another person; here’s the most important clue for making this a successful process… The answers they give you are not important. Yes, you should remember the content of their answers, but not for the purpose of ascertaining their FACE profile.

What matters is HOW they answer. It’s how they say what they say that matters most, not what they actually say. Let’s explore further, using a particular scenario…

Let’s assume you are speaking with a potential client – we’ll call her Grace – who owns and runs a small retail business.

You ask Grace a Pace question: “Grace, What’s the average number of walk-in customers you have in your business per day?” If Grace is initially quiet and doesn’t speak until she has a definite answer, this indicates that Grace is predominantly ‘Observer’ in her Pace. If she answers quickly, or is chattering as she leads up to an answer, then she is predominantly ‘Driver’ in Pace.

You then ask Grace a Relationship question: “Grace, how do you feel about the economy and the short-term future of your business?” If Grace gives you a short answer in just one or two words, this indicates that she is predominantly ‘Closed’ in Relationship. If she gives you a longer answer (flavoured with opinions, ideas and superlatives), then she is predominantly ‘Open’ in Relationship.

Your combined observations of Grace’s answers to both your questions will indicate her communication style.

This is a good place to introduce the world famous communication tool, FACE. Take a quick look at the FACE Matrix and then we’ll consider Grace’s answers again.
















If Grace’s response to your Pace question was slow, with a moment of silence before she answered (Observer); and her response to your Relationship question was descriptive and conversational (Open), then Grace is most likely a FRIEND.

(Click here to check out the profile of a FRIEND)

Of course, this is not a perfect science that provides you with 100% accuracy in your assessment. However, you can be confident of gaining a better-than-average assumption of her communication (FACE) style and subsequently be able to engage more effectively in conversation with Grace, in a style that makes her (and you) feel comfortable.

“But what if Grace is not really a FRIEND? What if that’s just the way she is on the day?”

Great question!

And the answer is simple: You must communicate with people in a manner that meets their communication style at the time you’re communicating with them. If Grace’s true communication style is not normally that of a FRIEND, or if her style seems to shift the conversation progresses; then, you will need to shift your style to match.

We can also translate this knowledge and skill into a business environment, so as to improve our business results. It’s important to note that sales, negotiation, customer service and most of marketing, are all simply structured forms of communication. Therefore, it makes good sense to develop your skills and experience in all facets of communication to ensure you maximize your potential for success.

Let’s take the area of Sales, for example. The very heart of Sales is Communication. Therefore, if we master Communication, it makes sense to assume that we can master Sales. It really is that simple! A key determinant to success in sales is the Sales Conversion Ratio; which, in simple terms, means how often we turn a sales opportunity into an actual sale. There are many factors that contribute to our ability to increase our Sales Conversion Rate. How effectively we communicate with potential customers is one of those factors.

By the way, Sales is not simply restricted to the realms of business. Whilst it is a term that has been largely confined to the business or commercial worlds, the same communication process is replicated in almost every area of life. Parents are involved in sales; their customers are children. Teachers are involved in sales; their customers are students. Politicians are in sales; their customers are voters. Lovers are in sales; their customer is their partner (wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend). Priests, pastors, ministers and preachers are in sales; their customers are the people in the congregation.

As you can see, if we are able to connect with people and engage them in conversation more readily; if we are able to read their communication style by simply asking 2 questions; then we will project confidence, we will communicate comfortably, and we will enjoy greater success in our dealings with people. Indeed, we will feel more successful with life in general.

The key is communication. And, let’s FACE it; working together, we achieve more!


To find out more about FACE, go to http://www.facematrix.com.au/. FACE is all about communication. It’s a tool that helps you to communicate more effectively. At the FACE website you can find out even more about your own communication style and you can help others to understand their own communication styles. FACE can get you communicating with those potential customers in the communication style that they prefer. With practice, this can be achieved fast! The sooner you connect with their communication style, the more chance you have of turning those potentials into actuals.

Secrets to Becoming a Master Communicator

“I can talk just fine, thank you very much. It’s just that I can’t get people to listen!”

Have you ever considered the possibility that the reason why people don’t listen is because they can’t hear you? No, I’m not referring to the physical functionality of their ears, ear drums, etc; and it’s got nothing to do with their levels of comprehension or intelligence.

There have been situations when I was listening to someone speak and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t take in a word they were saying. It was like listening to ‘white noise’ – I could hear the sounds, but I couldn’t decipher any meaning.

No matter how beneficial, or how helpful, or how important, or how essential it is to convey knowledge from one person to another; if the communication lines are broken, damaged or confused, then the knowledge becomes lifeless. Great communicators know that they must give as much attention to the delivery of their message as they do to the content. They must be masters of communication.

Master communicators are defined by one basic principle: they have an unquenchable thirst to know the differences and similarities in communication. Then, they use that knowledge as their guide to build understanding in order to forge stronger relationships, for themselves and for others.

“Ok, so how do I become a master communicator?”

Great question! Indeed, asking that question is an important move in the right direction to becoming a master communicator.

There are just 3 Secrets to Becoming a Master Communicator and, for the most part, they’re chronological, so we will occasionally refer to them as ‘steps’. Also, from this point on, we’ll replace the term ‘communication style’ and the word ‘communication’ with the word ‘FACE’.

WHY? FACE is a powerful communication that helps people and organisations to dramatically improve the effectiveness of their communication. Throughout the rest of this article you can click on the many link-words to visit the FACE website and find out more.

The 3 Secrets to Becoming a Master Communicator are these:
1. Know your FACE
2. Study people and their FACEs
3. Learn how to build FACE bridges

1. KNOW YOUR FACE

This is the first and, arguably, the most important secret of all. To be a master communicator, you must start with a deep awareness of your own FACE and your associated FACE behaviours. Incidentally, if you want to remove any barriers to the truth in this step, I highly recommend you involve people who know you intimately to provide you with input; and you should be prepared for some potentially brutal, yet liberating, honesty.

Identify the PACE element of your FACE

• Do you speak fast or slow?
• Do you finish other peoples’ sentences?
• Do you tend to make quick decisions or do you take your time?
• Do you answer questions before others have finished asking?
• Do you prefer to be a leader, a follower or just go along with the crowd?
• Would you describe yourself as mostly responsive or reactive?

Identify the RELATIONSHIP element of your FACE

• Are your words expressive and emotive?
• Do you use a lot of superlatives?
• Do you prefer to stick to the facts and keep emotions and feelings out of your vocabulary?
• How comfortable are you talking about your feelings?
• How patient are you listening to others talk about their feelings?
• How do you behave when you are interrupted or when someone talks over you?

The more intimately you know your FACE, the more empowered and capable you will be to maximise your strengths and manage your weaknesses. As the saying goes… “Knowledge is power”, including personal power.

By the way, have you got your copy of 'FACE: The Global Language'?


2. STUDY PEOPLE AND THEIR FACEs

Study people from a distance. Study people up close and personal. Even study the people in movies and on TV. Media interviews are a great source of learning. Don’t be concerned about what is being said; rather, notice how they are speaking and what they’re doing as they speak – facial expressions and body language.

When you ask questions, be sure to listen and observe. Notice the other person’s behaviours in relation to the same criteria you use to find out about your own FACE. Use all of your senses to take in every available sign, including that hard-to-explain sixth sense. Of course, for those people you don’t know so well, it’s probably a good idea to keep your sense of touch in check. J

Trying to ascertain the FACE of others is not always easy. If you haven’t previously been in the habit of making it a conscious decision, you may well feel a little weird to begin with; especially doing it during conversations. Even so, just stick with it. Like anything, ‘practice makes perfect’.

Actually, given that this isn’t an exact science and the fact that we’re dealing with humans (emotional and mostly unpredictable creatures), reaching the nirvana of ‘perfect’ will likely remain an elusive summit. That’s a good thing! In fact, it’s the very thing that keeps FACE dynamic and keeps us intrigued.


3. LEARN HOW TO BUILD FACE BRIDGES

Now that you have discovered so much more about your own FACE and have enrolled yourself as a lifetime student in the University of People; when it comes to all the FACEs you’ve observed, what did you see? If you’ve been truly committed to those first 2 steps, you will have noticed a myriad of differences in FACE, behaviour, preference and language. No, not a language like Chinese, English or Spanish; but the language of relationships.

Building FACE bridges requires just one ingredient: UNDERSTANDING. The differences we mentioned above are all differences in understanding. Each person processes information (verbal and non-verbal) according to those two FACE elements: pace and relationship. There is no right or wrong way to process, just different ways; but that’s what produces differences in understanding.

If you understand your FACE and you understand other peoples’ FACEs, you will know how to build FACE bridges. In essence, step 3 is a relatively natural by-product of the first 2 steps. The effort and commitment you put in will be evidenced in the quality of the FACE bridges you build.

There you have it… the Secrets to Becoming a Master Communicator:

• Know your FACE
• Study people and their FACEs
• Learn how to build FACE bridges

Of course, this is merely an overview and there is significantly more to it than what you’ve read here. The knowledge must be given power through your actions and applications. If you’re interested to delve deeper into all things FACE, have a browse around the website: http://www.facematrix.com.au/. It’s a decision you’ll always be glad you made.
…and then, one day, someone will say to you, “Hey, you’re brilliant at communication. Would you please teach me the secrets to become a master communicator like you?”

Why Communication Breaks Down

“That’s it! I’m never talking to you ever again!”

Wow, that’s a huge commitment. Do you really mean “never, ever again”? Think about it; that could be days, weeks, months, years, or even decades, depending on how long you live. It could be a very long time! Imagine how hard it would be to hang onto that much negative emotion forever.

Whether you realize it or not, perhaps what you really mean is, “It was clear in my mind what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t able to explain it in such a way that you could either understand or accept. And now I’m just frustrated with the whole process.”

The most essential element in our human-to-human relationships – not to mention, the most unpredictable – is our ability to communicate face-to-face (or voice-to-voice) with each other. Whether it’s verbal or non-verbal, this form of communication is the most powerful means we have available to us, in order to share our feelings, thoughts, opinions, concerns, passions or whatever else we want to communicate.

Ok, sure, there are things like flowers, emails, cards, etc. that we can also use to convey a sentiment or a message; and, no doubt about it, we can make those things speak loudly. However, it’s when we are face-to-face that we have the opportunity to take our communication to the highest level. It’s the communication after you send those flowers, or that email, or you deliver that presentation; that’s when the real communication starts.

When that higher level of communication breaks down, that’s where the most damage can potentially be done. It’s like a cancer. If left undiagnosed and untreated, it may eventually cause something or someone to die (metaphorically speaking). That’s why every good communicator knows that it is absolutely imperative to identify the cause of the breakdown, understand it, and then act decisively and positively to ensure that the breakdown is mended before it ultimately destroys the relationship.

There are thousands upon thousands of causes as to why communication breaks down. Many of those causes will fall into one or more of the following:

• Taking things personally – being subjective, rather than objective
  Inflexibility – holding firm to strong views or opinions and being closed off to other possibilities
• Entering into communication whilst in a heightened emotional state (be it positive or negative) – usually a nagging distraction to either party
• Talking over the other person, or trying to monopolise the discussion – it turns the communication into a competition
• Unclear, vague or disjointed articulation of what is being said – may cause perceptions of a lack of openness, trust and/or honesty in the communication
• Short, sharp or incomplete answers to questions – may cause the same thoughts as the previous point
• The pace of the communication moves too fast or too slow for one or both parties – rushed or dragging on; either way, it can evoke feelings of frustration
• Having a lack of knowledge and not wanting the other person to be aware of that lack – fear of being exposed or of being wrong; or feeling inadequate and ‘out of your league’
• Allowing our regard for the other person (or people) to cloud our ability to listen to what’s being said – this causes a lack of focus and even a conflict of voices in your head
  

Some of these may apply to you, or there may be other completely different causes for your communication breakdowns. Incidentally, for most people, there will usually be one or two primary root-causes. Whatever the case, it is vital (for your relationships and, more importantly, for your own happiness) that you identify those causes and begin to find solutions.

Before we talk about how to resolve communication breakdowns, let’s all be clear on this one thing: There is no single solution. There’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all communication fixer-upper. And anyone who tells you otherwise, is just trying to sell you something that they can’t sell to someone else. (That’s a communication you might want to break.)

Everyone experiences communication breakdowns; it’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Given that we can’t avoid them entirely; our next best option is to improve our communications skills, so as to be fully prepared. Over the course of time (and maturity) we become more adept at handling those breakdowns effectively; and we also become more perceptive as to when a potential breakdown is imminent, subsequently averting the danger. Having said that, there are the rare occasions, when the best course of action is to let the communication break down. But that’s a whole other article.

Ok, let’s move on to the task of how we can rescue and heal a communication breakdown.

• Just for a moment, forget about what the other party has done or said and ask yourself this question, “How have I contributed to this breakdown?” It’s simple and fair mathematics: you and the other person are both 50% of the problem and 50% of the solution. It’s easy to point the finger, but if you each stand firm with the ‘Safety’ off and the firing hammer cocked on your pointed-fingers, the breakdown remains static.
• Next, try to understand why the other party has done or said whatever it is they’ve done or said. Step aside from how you feel about it and go into an objective, researching frame of mind. Another question to ask: “What is it that’s behind what he said?” or, “What’s going on in the background to make her react that way?” As hard as it may be, what you are trying to do is think like the other person.
• Once you’ve gotten some clarity around those first two tips, you can now begin to prepare the pathway to a solution. (This is where your capacity for humility is tested)
  Take complete ownership of your 50% contribution to the breakdown
• Embrace absolute acceptance of the fact that you are not responsible for the other person’s 50% contribution
• In your heart, whether you feel you want to or not, forgive the other person for their 50%
• Apologise for your 50%... unconditionally! If the other person makes no apology, that is for them to deal with, not you
• Ask for understanding as to why they spoke or behaved the way they did. You might like to frame your question this way: “Person, I genuinely want to work with you to resolve our communication breakdown. Can you please help me to understand your point of view?”
• Next… LISTEN! You don’t have to agree with their view; you are simply seeking to understand them.
• Once you’ve listened to their explanation, ask a solution-focused question; perhaps something like: “Thanks for helping me understand. Ok, what are your thoughts on how we can get our communication (and our relationship) back on track?”
• Once again, LISTEN!
  

By the way, it’s not a case of you having to just suck-it-up and accept their solution as the only way to go. Remember, you’re 50% of the solution as well.

There will be times when the other person is not willing to seek resolution to a breakdown in communication. That’s their prerogative. You can only do your part.

Oftentimes, the reason why these breakdowns occur is because one person is not reading or matching the other person’s communication style. We can miss the subtle indicators for their preferred Pace and Relationship and find ourselves feeling completely mismatched in the dialogue. Well, it doesn’t have to be that way.

That's where FACE comes in.

Whilst not a 100% cure, FACE can dramatically increase the odds of you matching style early and often. FACE also makes the whole journey something to enjoy, not endure. In future posts, we’ll dig a whole lot deeper into the subject of communication and how FACE works for you. In the meantime, having your own copy of ‘FACE The Global Language’ would get you off to a very good start.

The final word: Communication is vital to every part of our lives, especially when it involves sharing our time with other people. It’s a lifelong learning; one that never ends (for as long as we are alive) and one that should be enjoyed!

Let’s FACE it; working together, we achieve more!